Year 1, Week 14: Results!

Somehow, despite this:

Did you guys see the eclipse? It was pretty cool. 

and this:

Astrobiologists: YAY, WE'RE RELAVENT
The water must flow.

Si and I managed to write our reviews! We appreciated the numerous entries that flowed in before midnight (it was actually a pleasant surprise that we had more than two lonely entries without reminders earlier in the day XD. I found an application called Twuffer that I'm totally going to use. Or maybe I'll just never sleep. I like the sound of that second one), and we enjoyed all of your stories.

Honorable Mention

Denman Billy's The Man Trapped Inside Himself

Si: Interesting entry! I love the imagery in the poem, and the repetition of the hand and yellow eyes. The story the man told was pretty crazy but also sad--being forced to constantly move around, never finding a home. The last stanza is my favorite, and the most poignant. I really liked the lines:

“But something was twisted inside my heart,
Was bent out of shape, and unable to mend.
I was doomed to put my soul on the window,”

I would love for this tone to be carried through the poem more. I’m curious whether the stories the man tells are real or from his imagination? With a piece like this, it could go either way (metaphors or crazy real life?). Great poem!

Mars: This one took a lot of thinking to come up with any ideas of what was going on. On the first few read throughs, all I could say to myself was that I really liked the overall sound of the poem (it's close to iambic pentameter and it rhymes; I must be a sucker for classic, structured poetry). Then I considered the title--"The Man Trapped Inside Himself"--and wondered if perhaps the man is talking to himself, or a part of himself, anyways (another hint was '282 reflections'). I think my favorite repeating line was, "So quiet, so still, so carefully calm," and was disappointed when the last line didn't parallel this: "With no cure, no comfort, and no balm"--I would probably have changed 'and no' to a three-syallable word to reflect 'carefully.' It would have really brought the last line home. 

So, I know I said I like the overall sound, but there were some things that didn't work for me in the flow of the poem. "Blood red moon," "It doesn't help," "neurotic," "pneumonia monkey" -- all of these phrases and others nearly put my tongue in a jam when I tried to say them! I think that something that doesn't help here is that, while the poem resembles iambic pentameter quite a bit, the syllable structure is varied in an awkward way. If it were me, I'd probably try to stick to more 10-syllable lines for the first 10 lines (of each stanza), then maybe throw in a 9 and 11 at the end, or vice versa (11/9 front, 10 for rest). 

The meaning is still a little lost on me, but I like the emotion of the three stanzas: the first seems ponderous and humorous, while the second has a lost feeling, and the third was somber and sorrowful. The third was my favorite; it flowed the best. The poem, overall, seems like a story about trying to fit in, perhaps, and never quite figuring it out. (I don't get symbolism and metaphors very well, though, so this is a total guess.)

The meaning of a poem often varies from individual to individual; it's much harder to parse through than a story, for certain (and I know I've thrown lines into poetry simply because I like the sound of them. Troll!Poet). This piece certainly gives a reader a lot to think about!

First Runner-Up

Firdaus' The Window

Si: Wow, what an intense story! Great “show, not tell.” Great descriptions! The image of the child writing “Help Me” in a foggy window, then hearing the abuser speak behind him is chilling. THE ENDING. The whole story is very emotional without seeming like it’s trying to be, to put it badly. It shows a lot of intensity without over-describing or over-telling. There were a few things like: “My stepfather was on his knees and a policeman was towering over him.”--where I would double-check that the story was staying in the same POV (His vs My), and a few other small issues. I love that the woman remains mostly a figure--we don’t have much description about her, which keeps the focus on the boy. Great story!

Mars: The tension in this piece is great. There's a good bit of "show, not tell," going on here--until the end of the fourth paragraph, we don't know what's wrong. 'Has he been kidnapped?'; 'Is he stuck somewhere accidentally?'; 'Who's the woman?'; 'Why is he so scared?' These questions ran through my head as I read through it. 

The piece felt rushed in the middle, mostly when the stepfather appears, and it's revealed who's the abuser. ". . . as he was yanked from the window and thrown against the wall, before he blacked out" was the line that particularly stood out to me, and then him waking up the next line; compared to the first five paragraphs, it was a jarring transition to jump so quickly between thoughts. (Also, it was a nice bit of realism that he wet himself. I think I'd have trouble writing that.) 

My favorite line, the most gut-punching one, of course, was the last line. It also, sadly, mimicked a lot of real-life scenarios, and showed us how much danger the little boy was in, since we can infer that she didn't die of natural causes.

Without further ado, the moment you're dying for--

Y1W14 Winner:

Steph Ellis!

with Happy Ever After

Si: Love how there’s two layers to this story--the father-daughter relationship, and also the plot with the witch. Excellent writing! Not a word wasted, I love how we can see character development as well as a plot in such a short, tight piece of writing. The beginning is sinister, the middle is heartwarming, the ending is suspenseful. Beautiful weaving of several threads in this story. I might add a few more details hinting at the witch/king/princess plot earlier in the story, in a way that you don’t realize it until you reach the end. Great dialogue and handling of tension. Well done!

Mars: (Dangit, Steph, we're going to have to ban you from winning soon XD Stop writing so well!) This was both sweet and disturbing at the same time. Possibly more disturbing because it's sweet. It leaves me wondering if the father is a psycho or if the mother is an abuser (or both), with his repeated thoughts of fragility, and the references to the mother being witch-like. 

I would watch out for too many same-structured sentences clustered together; I notice a lot of the sentences start off with 'He' or 'She.' It would also be great to know what brings on this murderistic tendency in the father, but perhaps he's just like that. 

My favorite line was probably, "He turned out the light and made his way down the stairs, his crown weightless, his bearing regal." I'm not sure quite what it is about that line, but it just paints a very vivid, stately picture in my mind, and it sounds really nice. The most disturbing bit, in hindsight: "He bent down and kissed her forehead. 'And a king to kill the witch.'" The incongruity of what he's likely already planning to do and the sweetness of tucking a child in just don't click in the brain, and it's horrifying. 

Happy Ever After

He put his hand back on the window, the yellow eyes wide open on his palm. He spread his fingers, imagining how it would feel to clasp the small feline skull, twist it, crush it until it became nothing. 

“Daddy, Daddy.” 

He dropped his hand, brushed the top of his daughter’s head. So small, so fragile. 

“Let kitty in,” she demanded. 

“Sorry.” He smiled down at her. “Kitty has to stay out at night. You know the rules.” 

Annie pouted and folded her arms, annoyed at not getting her own way. Just like her mother. 

“Come on now, time for bed.” He scooped her up, felt the bird-like flutter of her heart against his chest. 

“Can’t I have a story?” she pleaded as he tucked her in. 

“Not tonight, kiddo,” he said. “Daddy’s got too much to do. But tomorrow night I’ll have a new story for you … I promise.” 

“A story with a wicked witch?” 

He laughed. “Yes, there’s a witch.” 

“And a beautiful princess?” 

“Yes, and a beautiful princess.” 

“And a king to kill the witch?” 

He bent down and kissed her forehead. “And a king to kill the witch.”

He turned out the light and made his way down the stairs, his crown weightless, his bearing regal. He returned to the window, watched as yellow headlights swung into the drive.

The witch was back.

He pressed his hand against the glass; covered her approaching face, felt the cold fragility beneath his fingers.

Write about what you know they said.

Advice he intended to follow. He adjusted his crown and went to the door.

Thanks for participating, everyone :D Also, Paul, that story was quite weird. Very reminiscent of the heart of Cracked Flash Fiction, I think!

Year 1, Week 11: Results!

Can you tell NaNoWriMo is coming up in a couple o' months? I think Si is practicing her word count--though, certainly, this is quantity and quality (not to say that all novels written for NaNo are only quantity. I like NaNo.). Either that, or she's trying to show me up by writing reviews twice the size of mine (Oh, alright, she wrote hers first.).

What's that? You want to see the reviews? Oh, tch. Very well, here they are.

Honorable Mention

Firdaus' Paranoid

Si: GREAT twist at the end! I like that you first show us the MC running in terror, then the memory of the hammer. Good immersion into the character, from the line "She had seen it in his eyes again," you establish the close third POV very smoothly, and give us something to add to the tension. This definitely feels like something awful is going to happen, and the MC MUST flee! I like that she grabs the broken branch to defend herself, then is talked out of it with calm words by the guy--THEN THE END! You give no hints in their conversation and effectively turn the reader about with the talk about meds. The last line is the best in the story; excellent job! I would suggest perhaps reducing the exclamation points ("She bolted!"; "looking frantically around for something--anything!") as with the first one we are still unsure what the tone is going to  be, so it can be read as 'Yay, she bolted!' or 'Ahhh, she bolted!' This is established by the end of the paragraph, so by then the reader is fully immersed. I would aim for a tone more like that of the line, "She had seen it in his eyes again, just like before," and that of the last line of the story. Excellent plot twist, and good story!

Mars: Ah, the old question of, "Is it paranoia if someone really is after you?" returns in full force with this piece. For a few minutes now, I've debating if the ending was actually a bad one--the reader has no reason to suspect the husband actually is going to kill her . . . but then I realized that him suggesting she has paranoia gave me a reasonable explanation to discredit the ending, which is a fine twist indeed. Fooling a character within the story is one thing, but the reader as well? That gets props. Something I notice is the piece feels less tension-y than it does rushed; the long sentences strung together with commas probably contributes to this--I would try to match the sentence and paragraph structure with the words. Action scenes are better written with short sentences and paragraphs, to pace the story appropriately (Periods are nice. Very punctuating.). Again, I think the most masterful lines in the piece are these:

"I saw how you looked at me, you were..." She hesitated, not sure anymore.
"Have you stopped taking your medicines, honey?" He looked concerned.

Nicely done!

First Runner-Up

Iores Trooly's Close Call

Si: What really struck me about this story was the clean writing. There's no confusion and it's descriptive without slowing down the tension. I loved the images the story gives us: "the faceless crowd parting for her and merging again," "functional infinity," the description of the metallic voice, the arrow flashing above her head--some really excellent turns of phrase there. It takes a very mundane setting--that of an airport--and turns it into something both poetic and mysterious. The tension is maintained the whole story, and I really applaud you on your imagery--the damp paper, the knowledge that, as long as the voice speaks, she still has a chance. One thing I would add would possibly be an additional hurdle or object in the middle--give us a chance to catch our breath and something else looms up--is she going to make it?--then bring it down again as she dodges past. Something to vary the tension a little. I liked the picture of the boy happily celebrating, oblivious to the MC's panicked run. Well done!

Mars: (Don't worry, we trust your word count. Or, at least, it looks close enough to 300 that we don't really care. XD) This piece is a little clever. The tension is dramatically built up, and reading through it the first time, the reader can't tell quite what's going on. The scene could be anywhere, yet it can only be one place--the airport. I applaud the vivid imagery maintained throughout the piece (I'm usually horrible at that sort of thing, so I appreciate it when I see it!). It's a quaint story--very well written, with the feel of a melody coming to a resolution at the end. Truly, it's not the plot that I find particularly compelling--'a mother rushes through airport to make her flight on time' is an, honest-to-goodness, boring idea. It's the way this is written, however, that makes this piece a little gem.

And, without further ado, though I do wonder what ado we give it, the moment you've all been waiting for--

Y1W11 Winner!

Steph Ellis

with Hunter Reborn

Si: What a great story! The opening is really excellent--we get a mixture of emotions from Rowena: fear, hope, pain, exhilaration. The way that hints are dropped through the story gives us the details we need to get her situation and also makes us want to know more. "How many years ... since she had actually seen him?" is a great example of this. Just enough is left unknown so we NEED to keep reading, we're curious. This story plays with tension well, mixing suspense with occasional pauses that heightens the contrast. I liked that here had been some change in Theo--that he wasn't the terror she remembered. That felt very real to me. Only a few quibbles: I wasn't sure exactly what to picture with the description "long-shackled limbs" (long limbs that are shackled, I assume), and in, "Making mistakes like the one that had allowed her to escape.", I would stop it at "Making mistakes," as the reader could infer the rest from the story. "The scent grew stronger, coppery notes playing a metallic symphony that roused her hunger." This is a BEAUTIFUL line, well done. I love how, with only a few words, the story changes from one of the hunted to that of the hunter--a palpable transformation in the MC without it being explicitly stated. Excellent story!

Mars: This piece is enough to send a shiver up one's spine. I think it's a fine example of 'showing'--the character's emotions are present between the lines: "Adrenaline fueling her long-shackled limbs onward . . ."--hope--". . . a perfume that had infiltrated her uneasy sleep on so many nights . . ." --fear--"Who else could boast such a trophy? . . . Vengeance."--disgust, anger! The emotions might have been amplified by different word choices, to knock the tension up another level--for example, I found the line, "Rowena paused and sank back into the shadows . . ." somewhat lacking; I felt the fear should have been stronger--perhaps 'froze' instead of 'paused', or 'shrank' back into the shadows--minor changes, but large effects. Nevertheless, the quality of the plot--the shift from prey to predator--is well-crafted, subtle tension already woven in. 

Hunter Reborn 

She bolted down the hallway. Adrenaline fueling her long-shackled limbs onward, away from the room that had been her prison for an eternity. Occasionally Rowena stumbled as daylight shot its daggers through shrouded windows, skewering her eyes with a pain that she found strangely welcome. The windows, though, were mercifully few. 

She continued forward but found her progress slowing as she fought the weakness caused by her imprisonment.

A door slammed somewhere ahead.

Rowena paused and sank back into the shadows, old instincts allowing her to merge with the stillness and become part of the silence.

Footsteps. Slow and heavy on the stairs. Theo. He was getting old. Making mistakes like the one that had allowed her to escape.

He was closer now, she could make out his shape as her sight adjusted to the gloom. He had been a giant of a man but this … this version was a shrunken copy. How many years had it been since she had actually seen him? Unwashed and unkempt, he was not the man she remembered. The smell though. The smell was the same; a perfume that had infiltrated her uneasy sleep on so many nights, pulled her mind back to the surface of life.

The scent grew stronger, coppery notes playing a metallic symphony that roused her hunger. 

Closer. Was she strong enough after so long in the dark? 

Closer. 

The call of his beating heart, the siren song of skin-clad blood, hammered loudly in her ears. 

Closer. 

Vanity had stayed his hand, kept her alive. She had been his prize exhibit, a creature of the darkness. Who else could boast such a trophy? 

Closer. 

Vengeance. 

Hunter. Hunted. Hunter reborn.

Year 1, Week 7: Results!

We were pleased to have three very varied entries to choose from this time around. The mishap on Saturday had us wondering if we'd get any at all!

Honorable Mention

Ophelia Leong's Neighborly Duties

Rin: This was a fun one. I liked how Matthew wasn't really all that interested, a nice twist on the typical vampire/human scenario. My favorite line was "Superglue dripped onto the floor like sap and Elena hid the paintbrush in the trashcan," because that bit of description puts a vivid picture in my head of how it would squish under the feet when he stood up. Nice job.

Mars: This felt both done and not done--I like to imagine Matthew suddenly jumping out of his shoes and driving a hidden stake through Elena's heart (I also wonder where she got that superglue that doesn't dry for five minutes? I'd like some)--but it did make a nice little story arc for a flash. Matthew's obvious disdain/disinterest was a nice touch, as opposed to the the normal love-at-first-sight scenarios in typical YA Urban Fantasy fiction. Something else I'm just noticing: the word style is done well here; it feels flowing and quite . . . surreptitious. Stealthy, flowing, cat-like. Good job!

(Bonus points to you for making me learn a new word: surreptitious. Also, Elena's "no man should be able to resist me!" thought made me think of a Mockingjay parody (observe lyrics "Gale and I have chemistry . . ."))

First Runner Up

M T Decker's Hypothetically Speaking

Rin: I love crime-scene type shows, so this story was a treat for me! The dialogue was good and flowed well, giving me a good idea of the character's personalities even without the help of much description. I like how instead of having it where the answer is clear, the characters went through a bunch of different scenarios in which someone might have a use for it. Especially enjoyed the mention of a real-life forensic science thing, fingerprint fumigation. Well done!

Mars: (I forgot to finish this I'm so sorry) Dialogue-heavy stories are something I'm generally very fond of; it pleased me to see a flash that carries a plot well through mostly dialogue. I am left wondering what conclusion Gina was drawn to, but that feels like part of the charm for the speculating, progressive tone of the piece. I like the look into Gina and her husband's relationship--we see one side of them in the brainstorming session, but there's a hint towards something else; nicely done character dynamics without being flashy. Nice work.

And, without further ado, the moment you've all been waiting for--

Y1W7 Winner!

Josh Bertetta

with A Sticky Situation

Rin: I loved this one! The mysterious feel was good and I liked how I was kept guessing how the super glue would tie in until the very end. My favorite line was "He didn’t care about her deformed ear, her abnormal arm, or club foot. He loved her for who she was," because the sweetness of it really did a good job of making me question my own intuition and whether I was reading more suspicious things into what came above it, making that last line really pop!

Mars: It took me a few re-reads to understand exactly was going on, and then I had a little "Awww" moment. The suspense was artfully played up to drive home the last line--what exactly his greatest work was. The reader can tell how obviously he dotes upon her--even before his declaration of love--which demonstrates excellent characterization. This is a really cute piece!

A Sticky Situation 

“Why do you have a pound of superglue—you know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know…I’ll just trump it up to another one of your idiosyncrasies.” She smiled, and tucked her hair behind her good ear, leaving her thick auburn locks covering the other. 

He asked her if she’d like a drink; she accepted. 

They sat across from one another, the tub of superglue on the mahogany coffee table, and sipped the brandy in silence. He stared into her large round eyes, then let his own admire the perfect symmetry of her face. A paragon of beauty. 

“Can I use your restroom?” 

“Of course. Shall I help you?” 

“Thank you, but I think I can manage.” She propped herself up on her cane, and hobbled toward the hallway. “Third door on the left, right?” 

“That’s right.” 

He refilled her drink, and waited, musing over the work to be done—his greatest work, his magnum opus. 

Upon her return, she thanked him for refilling her drink, sat, and together they shared hopes and dreams and thoughts on life. She liked him, and she knew he knew it; he loved her and he knew she knew it.

He didn’t care about her deformed ear, her abnormal arm, or club foot. He loved her for who she was. But she neither loved herself nor believed her worthy of love. 

She took a big sip of brandy, set the tumbler down, and yawned big and heavy. Her perfect cheeks flushed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I—I—”

Her eyelids grew heavy; she eked out an embarrassed smile, and passed out. 

He cradled her in his arms, brushed back her hair, and kissed her forehead; he bent at the knee and picked up the bottle of “Dr. Frankenstein’s Medical Grade Biotic Super Glue.”

 Great job, everybody! See you on Saturday (this time on time, heh)~

Year 1, Week 5: Results!

Yes! All the corpses! Great stories this time 'round. Horror and mystery and humor--loving the variety!

Honorable Mention

Steph Ellis' Due to Unforeseen Circumstances the End of the World is Postponed

Rin: This story made me laugh out loud. The comical banter between this incompetent bad-guy family gives the piece a light, fun atmosphere and a refreshing twist to the concept of the End of the World. The characters and their relationships with one another felt well developed for the length of the piece, each a distinct personality. My favorite bit was "Perhaps that's for the best dear," said Ma, patting His arm fondly. "Now, why don't you sit down with us, have a bit of cake. You're looking a little peaky. You've been overdoing it again, haven't you?" because it amuses me with mental pictures of an evil, doting mother and her spoiled, evil-warlord son. Very well done!

Si: Loved the dialogue in this story! That poor corpse. Just on the edge of stardom--! I was amused by the idea of The End being postponed due to inefficiency and mistakes on the Evil side. The last half of the story especially had some excellent lines of dialogue: "This spell creates a corpse! I wanted you to create me a corps!" We get a good sense of the characters despite the fact that it's a short piece. Enjoyed the transition of red-eyed terrifying Menace to resigned and tired Boss. Last line was excellent. A fun and entertaining story! 

First Runner Up

Josh Bertetta's The House in the Woods

Rin: Oooh, I love the creepy atmosphere to this piece! My favorite line was 'The deeper they ran, the further back they travelled in time, the more the body count piled up, dressed in generations' because it gives an 'ancient evil' flavor to the piece that I enjoy. It raises the hair on the back of my neck just imagining it! The pace was well done with the time rushing past them, building up the tension excellently as they try to find their missing daughter, ending perfectly with those last two lines. Nothing more sinister than giggling and invitations to play from unknown things in a haunted house!

Si: You fit a lot into very few words! I loved that you had both dialogue and more descriptive passages that kept the plot moving. The innocence of Princess contrasted with the horror of the corpses is very well done and makes the ending especially creepy. Can't say it enough, EXCELLENT ending--you stopped just at the right point and the phrasing is PERFECT. Loved this line especially: "They screamed her name; it fled through the house in a panic." Well done on mounting the tension line by line. When the story starts, the reader isn't sure what kind of a story it's going to be--but the building suspense soon informs us. Excellent creepy story!

Y1W5 Winner!

mtdecker

with The Shelley Boys are Back

Rin: I liked the modern-day Frankenstein feel of this story and I'm impressed with how well the characters were shown almost exclusively through their dialogue. The brevity of the story's pacing and the distinct impression that this has been an ongoing problem made the tension between the brothers palpable. Mad-scientist Philip was my favorite character with his distraction tactics and flippant attitude toward the whole situation. Going into the story, I expected Martin to break down and help Philip, so Igor killing him was rather unexpected. Kuddos on an excellent flash fic!

Si: Ah! The ending! The story! The characters, though we don't "see" them through description, feel completely real just through dialogue--well done! We get a sense of both the brothers just through the most brief of actions, and their short responses to each other. I love that there's two clear voices here. I also liked the way that we get a sense that this isn't the first time Martin has come home to such a scene ... or has he participated himself? Curious. The touch of naming the assistant Igor also says a lot in very few words ... and the understated yet still surprising death leaves a lot to the imagination and is very effective. Again, tone is maintained throughout the piece with no breaks and we can feel the tension between the two brothers as they stand over a corpse that one of them didn't expect to see. Wonderful story!

The winning story!

The Shelley Boys are Back

"Well, I think this just got awkward."

"There's a corpse on the floor… so… yeah, I think ‘this just got awkward’ is an understatement.”

“I can explain…”

Martin shook his head. He’d had enough of his brother’s blase approach to life. “I have an M-16 that says ‘I’m not buying anything you’re sellin’ brah.”

“You weren’t supposed to be home, yet…”

“Again, not explaining here… just drawing things out.”

“Well. He was supposed to be… gone… before you got back.”

“Gone?” Martin sighed. “You still using Martinez’s cleaning service?”

“Nah, gone as in Igor would have gotten him down to the lab before you got home.”

“And now?”

Martin felt a cold chill in his brother’s smile as he heard a rustle behind him.

Philip shrugged. “Now Igor’s in place…”

He sighed as Igor finished making work of his brother.“Looks like there’ll be two corpses to reanimate now.”

“Awkward,” Igor agreed.

“When’s dad due back?”

Until next time! *Rin and Si vanish in a swirl of cloaks*