Sorry about the single winner today, y'all--been struggling with time lately. Hope you all come back for this Saturday anyways ;)
This is a scenario most people can imagine or relate to pretty easily, and the officer's character felt very realistic to me.
However, the piece felt like it lacked a strong arc, due to the impersonal way the POV character is written; there's a lot of the policeman says "Do X," and the characters do X with very little reaction. Because of this--because we don't see inside the character's head--the climax (which I'd say is passing the driver's license--where the plan has the most chances of falling apart under scrutiny) came off very flatly. There's nothing up close, gritty, and personal; no sweating, no holding of the breath (or focusing on the breath to keep it natural), no internal thoughts of, "Will he find out?" or anything of the like.
What really intrigues me about this piece, though, is the idea of the Enhanceds; it leaves me with a lot of questions (most of which probably couldn't be answered within the word constraint). Are the Enhanceds really robots? What are the laws concerning them? Are they dangerous? What are the goals of these main characters? What little I know about this concept is very interesting, and I'd have loved to see more. Good job!
"You'd think I'd notice if my best friend were a robot."
Jan smiled at the policeman who had pulled her over. He did not smile back at her.
“Ma’am, you know the rules. Anyone who looks like they’re Enhanced needs checked out. And your passenger sure looks like one of them to me. Please step out of the car... Both of you.”
Slowly, Jan undid her seatbelt. She knew that the slightest misstep could make the policeman angry and dangerous. I undid my seatbelt too. I didn’t want to jeopardise or compromise her in any way.
“Place your hands on the car please. Both of you.”
We did what he asked. Truth was, in the pouring rain, we all wanted to get this over and done with and be on our way.
The policeman pushed my legs apart a bit further as I leaned on the car.
“Papers?” he asked, frisking me from head to toe.
I passed him my driver’s license. He glanced at it, then at me, then back at the photo. The flashlight illuminated my face, making me blink. His eyebrows rose.
“Oh sorry Congressman. I didn’t see your face,” he stammered, “I’m just…”
I stopped him from making himself more of a fool than he already had.
“Officer, you’re just doing your duty. I am pleased that you are upholding the laws about Enhanceds so competently. I commend you on your diligence.”
He coughed and handed the license back to me, obviously wishing he was elsewhere.
“That’s all. Sorry to have bothered you. Have a good evening.”
That was it. The police car left, red lights fading in the distance.
Jan and I waited until he had gone, then slipped off our masks.
“Well that worked!” she/it said.
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