Year 1, Week 20: Results!

Aren't you excited?

Oh, I wasn't talking about the holidays.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT OUR AWESOME RESULTS.

*throws confetti about for awesome contestants*

Let's get down to business--

No, I meant the winners.

Yup, enough with the gifs.

Honorable Mention

Carin Marais' The Barman Always Listens

Si: I enjoyed the theme of this story--the image of the tired barman, always being forced to listen to everyone's woes. But then, we find out he's not the victim in this interaction--he's the one in control. He's doing this for a reason. And what more perfect job to quietly figure out people's secrets? There's good description in this piece and I like the atmosphere of the party--rich people amusing themselves elegantly, while a murderer sits among them stupidly admitting to his crime. I would reccomend to be more aware of how much information the reader is told, versus finding it out via conversation. I would have the information about Mrs. Van Houdt come out in a conversation between the two characters to make it more dynamic. The final dialogue takes place rather abruptly and makes it seem like a very short conversation for James to become so trusting and spill the beans. My favorite line from the story was: "The scotch stood untouched and he wondered if it had been ordered more for effect than anything else." I liked your turns of phrase and ability to establish an atmosphere--and the central idea of the story was excellent! Well done!

Mars: Ah, the crazy things people do for love. I like how cut-and-dry this plot is, while the dialogue still dances around what occurred. I imagine the look on his face when the "barman" was all, "Did it have to do with this dead guy?" might have been closer to, "Aw crap, you're not actually a barman are you," instead of "Yeah I killed him." The image amuses me.

I thought the bookendings didn't work well for this piece--opening with "Other laughter would soon follow as it came from Mrs Van Houdt" and ending with "A crystal laugh sounded" felt a little odd and forced to me; it took me several read-throughs to finally get who was laughing at the end, which dulled any shock effect it might have had. 

And we have some truth in fiction going on here, I think. It's pretty obvious that Mrs Van Houdt will not be going to jail, now that she has billions of dollars to her name, even if James testifies against her, but James is most certainly headed there once he confesses! All in all, well-done piece. 

First Runner Up

Bunmi Oke's For Love or Country?

Si: I really thought you did a great job with the way the theme and emotion is woven through this story! It's emotional and feels very immediate--everything is happening quickly, with barely a pause for MC to think. We get a hint of how the story would end just from the first line, then are taken into the MC's memories immediately, which does a great job of maintaining reader interest in the story--how and why is this person unworthy of the MC's sacrifices? I thought you picked two scenes from the MC's life very well--short, and to the point. This story has no dialogue but works very well without it--it's fundamentally a story taking place in the MC's mind, we feel everything he feels. Interesting choice with the present tense, it actually works great in this story and isn't intrusive at all, which sometimes happens when a story uses a less common tense. His long-lost love's betrayal is shocking and we want to know what happens next--here, we had a little confusion as to who is shot. Given that rage and vengeance are the primary emotions at play I would assume his gun is aimed at either his old lover or the man she's with, but the blood upon the dashboard indicates it's the MC himself. I would clarify that by giving us more of a hint into his thoughts right before the end. Great story!

Mars: The sentiment and irony of this piece were its strongest points; it would be unbelievable to come back from a war and find that your signifcant other was betraying you--and not only betraying you, but betraying you with someone who probably KNEW you were together. 

I felt the piece was a little jarring emotionally--I recognize it's hard to have a lot of emotional development in <300 words, but the love-her-enough-to-lose-limbs-over-a-PICTURE kind of seemed unrealistic to me without prior development of that emotional bond. I also was unclear on the ending--I'd say 'paying for it' would be killing either the girlfriend or commanding officer, but it reads like he commits suicide (since dashboard = inside the car)? I got a little lost there.

The indignation came off well when he pulled up in front of her house (probably hers, anyways? I'd assume his commanding officer wouldn't be foolish enough to snog the MC's girlfriend in front of the MC's house, after all); this time, the emotional build-up was understandably justified. Good job!

Y1W20 WINNER!

RealMommaRamble

with The Tea Party

Si: I loved the rambling, unexplained craziness of this story. No info dump, just bewildering weirdness until it's all explained in the end. Of course she's crazy! 

Good clean dialogue and I liked the personalities of all the strange characters we come across. The disjointedness of the dialogue: "Doesn't ring a bell. It's my birthday you know," works very well for setting the atmosphere of confusion that Clara finds herself in. One thing I would recommend is increasing the tension of the story just a little--make us feel not only Clara's confusion, but also desperation. I liked the Alice in Wonderland references--good connection there!--familiar to the reader, but we don't know where you're going with it until the twist ending. Great job giving us just enough dialogue from the Nurse to get what's going on, quickly setting the REAL scene. Favorite line: "Of course not, dear. The Hatter is a copyrighted name. You can call me Mr. Chapeau.", very funny. We can really feel Clara's bewilderment throughout the story! Excellent job!

Mars: "The Hatter is a copyrighted name," got a chuckle out of me! The Alice-is-insane has been done before (though it's Clara in this instance), but it's usually not done with any sort of levity like this piece is. I appreciate the allusion to Disney's Alice in Wonderland (though I'm going to have "Merry Merry Unbirthday" stuck in my head now); I am very fond of references. 

Watch out for how names are juxtaposed next to dialogue--"'I'll take some cheese,' Clara turned to see a rabbit" could infer that either Clara or the rabbit were speaking, particularly with the comma there that runs into her name. The problem occurs once more later, when the mouse yells from the tea pot. 

The beginning of the piece was a nice touch; it utilized the prompt in a unique fashion by making it sound like idle small talk, then drew the reader's (and Clara's) attention with the question, "Cheese?" Nice job!

The Tea Party 

"Sometimes, people really are just useless. Cheese?" 

"I'm sorry, what?" Clara stared at the strange man in front of her. A moment ago she was having tea with her boyfriend and listening to him talk about work. But this man was definitely not her boyfriend. 

She closed her eyes for a moment. 

"Would you like some cheese? It pairs well with your tea." Reluctantly, she opened her eyes to see a big grin stretch across the stranger's face farther than a grin should. A large hat dipped over his crazed eyes as they darted from her to the other guests at the table. 

"Who are you? The Hatter?" 

"Of course not, dear. The Hatter is a copyrighted name. You can call me Mr. Chapeau." 

"I'll take some cheese," Clara turned to see a rabbit sitting upright in a white gown. 

"Where is Jason?" 

"Who?" 

"Jason, my boyfriend. Tall, dark hair, dorky tortoise shell glasses." 

"Doesn't ring a bell. It's my birthday you know," the man with the hat said. 

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Clara jumped at the exclamation that rang out from a tiny mouse in a tea pot. 

Did I fall down a rabbit hole? Where was Jason? He was just here. 

"HEY!" She shouted over the loud singing that had commenced around her. "Please! Where is Jason!" 

They all stopped and stared. She realized, now, that she was standing with a cheese knife held over her head. A small pinch in her shoulder made her go limp, falling into the arms of a strong woman. 

"Take her to the holding cell." A nurse said as she took a pencil from Clara's fingers and walked out behind them. "Poor girl just can't get over his death. Best keep her out of the common room for a while."

Year 1, Week 3: Results!

Thanks to everyone for participating in our THIRD WEEK of Cracked Flash Fiction! You guys are talented writers and we're having a lot of fun reading your stories. So excited that we had 7 entries this time!

Somehow, despite THIS distraction, we managed to judge in time. Okay, mostly Si being distracted. SPACE!

Without further ado ...

Honorable Mention

realmommaramblings' Shattered

Si: I really enjoyed the evocative and descriptive writing style in this story--there's a distinct feel of regret and past mistakes that is shown very effectively in that first paragraph, before it's stated that this is what the character feels. I especially loved the line "Skin grew over the wound, tears sealing her flesh, leaving a scar, a reminder of what she could have had." The hints of a disastrous spell or decision--something tragic that had passed, that the main character must move on from--very well done. The memories gives me just enough hints to want to know what the story was--what had happened. Loved the way the porcelain heart is used as a focus and a metaphor for the character.

Rin: The feeling of grief and regret in this is powerful and well written. I liked the imagery of a heart as a lump of coal, but my favorite line was 'Among the shards broken memories lay, forgotten moments tucked away in the deepest hollows.' It has a beautiful sound to it. I also liked the line of sweeping pieces of herself under a carpet and crushing them. It felt familiar, we've all had moments that we wish we'd have lived in more or paid attention to in hindsight. The spell book was a curiosity, I wondered if it were like some magical looking glass or if she had used it for some horrible thing that caused her situation. I would have liked to know more about her story, it sounds like an interesting one.

First Runner Up

Mtdecker's For Tomorrow We Shall Surely Die

Si: Great take on the prompt, I loved the dynamic nature of the story, the argument between the characters! The Reader absolutely feels the desperation of the characters, the way that hope is nearly lost but Calia knows that they cannot stop fighting--for something worse will come. The power has to be stopped NOW. The dialogue was great for a story so short--we get so much information about the situation, but it's delivered in a way that makes us want to keep reading and find out more. I LOVED the last line of this story--absolutely masterful. "... we shall fall, but we will be the stones that start the avalanche."--Beautiful! Really wonderful image.

Rin: A great story! I could easily imagine myself walking with Calia straight into battle. I could feel the weight of the oppressive situation and the strength of determined defiance in the main character as she marches toward a battle she's likely to lose. I liked how the impossible situation was told from two points of view, her for the uprising and his for staying subservient in order to protect the village. Like Si, I loved that last line, it was fantastic!

Y1W3 Winner:

A V Laidlaw!

with Mouse 

Si: This story was AMAZING! I have to really congratulate you on the incredible writing that you've shown here. The tension is maintained throughout the entire tale without any slips or slow points--very well done. I loved the repetition of the character reminding herself to be small and hide. Using only brief description, the story paints a clear and living picture of the situation at hand. The reader is absolutely watching right beside the character for what the intruders will do. There are several excellent lines in this story--I especially liked "She would say a prayer, one of the prayers she heard at school, but she is afraid that God might hear her, that her guilt might call attention to herself." The ending is perfect--not drawn out, surprising, and well timed. Excellent writing!

Rin: I loved this one, it kept me reading with bated breath to see what was going to happen to her! It did a great job of including the prompt into the story and the imagery in this piece was beautiful, perfectly evocative. The setting was wonderfully spooky and I could easily 'see' the burned wallpaper, feel the heat of the wall, and smell the sulfur. The pace was smooth and natural, and the ending was awesome! I was taken off guard by her actually turning into a mouse! Wasn't expecting that. Great job!

The winning story!

Mouse

A crunch from broken glass underfoot warns her.

She is not alone.

She squeezes into the corner of the room, pulls her knees up against her chest and wraps her arms around herself. The wall is hot against her back, burning through her thin cotton dress. The room is dark except for the patch of dull streetlight through the broken window.

Something flickers in the window frame. The glass crunches again under heavy boots.

Become small. Become a mouse that hides away in the darkest corners. She holds her breath.

The darkness falls silent.

She breathes out.

A torch flashes in the window. Its beam trailed across the far wall, tracing over the scorch marks and the burnt wallpaper.

She never meant that to happen. She would say a prayer, one of the prayers she heard at school, but she is afraid that God might hear her, that her guilt might call attention to herself. Her mouth is dry and she tries to gulp but the air is stuck in her throat. She closes her eyes. Her body shivers no matter how tightly she squeezes herself. Become small.

A man’s voice. “An explosion.”

A second man. “Gas or the other?”

“Smells like sulphur. Better call the Witchfinder’s Office.”

“They won’t be happy if it’s gas.”

She opens her opens, only partly, as if the distorted view means this is not really happening. The torch lies on the windowsill. Behind it, against the redness of the streetlights, a shadow looms and fills the window.

Become small so they cannot see you.

The shadow pushes through the window and takes the torch. It swings the torch light around the room, the light falling on her, blinding her.

“Hell.”

“What?”

“Nothing, a mouse.”

The mouse scurries away, into the darkest corner.

Congrats to all our winners, and we'll see you this Saturday! In the meantime go look at ALL THE AWESOME NEW HORIZONS PICS!

(Si may be excited about this)

(just a little)